I stopped by 7-Eleven for a Slurpee on my way home from some Saturday chores, and I noticed something I had never seen before. There were instructions on the Slurpee machine explaining how to use it. I guess I had assumed that the knowledge of how to operate a Slurpee machine was something passed down from father to son as part of family oral tradition. Boy, was I wrong.

What struck me was Step #4: “Pay the cashier.” Hello? Moron alert! If you can’t figure out that, now that you’ve poured yourself a Slurpee, you must pay for said Slurpee, you should put the Slurpee down and back away slowly. If you need these instructions, you probably need other instructions about how to handle life.

We have a nine-year-old niece staying with us for the summer, and part of our responsibility is to teach her “life skills”–basic stuff like how to wash yourself, how to clean up after yourself, how to cook a simple meal, and so forth. There is nothing wrong with needing such instructions when you are young and inexperienced. But if, as an adult, you still need to be reminded to pay for your Slurpee–go to the people who raised you and demand a refund.

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