Lots of people speak English. There are some who do it well, and there are some, typically non-native English speakers, who should be kept far away from the English language. Now, I confess to being an American, and speaking the American version of English, but not everyone agrees that Americans even speak English. World renowned phonetician Professor Henry Higgins once said about English, “There even are places where English completely disappears; in America they haven’t used it for years.”

The people over at Engrish.com have catalogued that particularly bizarre variant of written English as used by non-native speakers in Asia. The term “Engrish” comes from the difficulty that native Japanese speakers have distinguishing between the English L and R sounds, but it doesn’t have to be limited to Japanese mistakes in written English. There are plenty of examples in Korea, China, and Indonesia. Mmm…. garwy sauce…

I bring up Engrish because the lovely and talented wife came across some Russian examples in the online menu of the Petrov Vodkin Restaurant. Since this is Russian-based Engrish, she called it “Engliska.” But it fits right in with other Engrish menu examples. Since this is TPK’s idea, I shall use the super-spiffy TPK font for my snarky comments. And now, on with the snark!

Hello. What’s snew with you?

A Bit Of Fish In Envelope
Pike-pearch & sturgeon fillet covered in parchment and baked together spring vegetables. Taste it urgently!!!
(French Bourbon Cognac Sauce as piquant detail to this beautiful “fish about you”).
Taste it now! Now! NOW!!!!

Red Bull Fetish
Primordial bull tecticles fried with leek onion and carrots, undressed in white wine & cream sauce, aromatically confused inside the puff paste nest, full of vital force for real men and inquisitive women.
I prefer my primordial bull tecticles to not be so aromatically confused.

Piping Rabbit
Aromatic and unforgettable, tender fillet in creamy sauce, appreciate at its true value.
A fresh skunk could be described as both aromatic and unforgettable, but at 500 Rubles, this rabbit’s true value is about $18.27.

Roast Lamb
Laconic stewed lamb with fresh sweet pepper accent, onion rings and tomatoes.
If it were truly laconic, then the description would be “lamb.”

Regal Trotters
Fried sucking-pig trotters in garlic gravy, dogmatic, more than dogmatic and frivolous, more than frivolous.
No, it’s mainly frivolous.

“Russkaya Skovoroda”
Vivid variety of browned potatoes, white mushrooms and sweet veal under melted cheese cover. Testes great!
Are those primordial bull testes?

Pork chop on a bone
Grilled spicy pork with potatoes and vegetables under influence of bitter gravy. (A Pork! A Pork! My Kingdom for a Pork!)
OK, we have now hit the porn part of the menu.

Shrimp’s Cocktail
Shrimps with slices of pineapple and special “only for adults” sauce.
See? Told you this was the porn part.

Smocked Sturgeon
Shouldn’t that be a smocked surgeon? “Doctor Sturgeon, to the operating room STAT, Doctor Sturgeon.”

Boiled Tongue
Tongue as it is. And even more than just a tongue.
No, that’s just a tongue. TPK said, “No means no, buddy!”

Fried Chicken
May be your favorite personage – cooled, peppered, sliced and with herbs.
Foghorn Leghorn! NooooooOOOOoooooo!

Shashlik “Freedom Captive”
Lamb juice issue, captivating in your own sauce, garnished with marinated vegetables and fried potatoes. Free… like a vision… Sentenced to be with you. Take it easy.
And now for the bondage porn.

Shashlik “Pork & Pork & Pork”
Beautiful pieces of pork with vegetable salad and French fries in very special astringent sauce… Would you like some more pork?
OK, I think I have made my point about the porn menu.

IBorsch Chernigovsky With Pampushkas
Spicy broth sated with vegetables, meat. Best served with one smile or two rolls.
OK, enough with the food porn, you perverts! Although I must confess that I do have a nice smile after two rolls.

Duck Occurring At The Table
Imagine a Whole Duck, completely bride, packed layer upon layer of apples and prunes and sodden with Jamaica Rum. The “MUST HAVE” dish for 3-4 versed persons.
I’m trying to imaging that duck completely bride, but I can’t. I guess I’m not a versed person.

“Cheese Fantasy” Cake
Alternative cheesecake temptation. You will love it if you love yourself.
You know that’s what got Pee Wee Herman in trouble.

Ice Cream With Kahlua
Vivid variety of browned potatoes, white mushrooms and sweet veal under melted cheese cover. Testes great!
I’m not a big veal al la mode guy, but I hear this is related to the primordial bull tecticles.

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